This post answers the question and raises the topic: "Why Do We Feel Closer to One Side of the Family? Understanding Communication Barriers Between Distant Relatives"
As I sit with my family chatting about how we were when we all gathers some 20 years ago playing in front of the TV while grandpa took his afternoon nap, a strage throught came unto me. I'm so close to my cousins on my mom's side of the family, yet those on my dad's are as close to a mere acquaintence as can be. Why is that?
Family gatherings during festive seasons like the Lunar New Year often bring joy, laughter, and a sense of unity. However, they can also highlight a common but often unspoken reality: people tend to feel closer to one side of their family—maternal or paternal—while having little to no interaction with the other.
This divide is not just a coincidence; it’s deeply rooted in how parents raise their children, the environments they choose to live in, and the cultural and linguistic influences that shape family dynamics. Whether it’s urban versus rural upbringing or the impact of education and language barriers, these factors significantly affect how we bond with our extended family.
This phenomenon isn’t unique to one culture or country—it happens all over the world. Let’s explore why these communication gaps exist and how we can bridge them to foster stronger family ties.
The Impact of Upbringing on Family Bonds
The more I sat and pondered as my cousin drove us all to get some snacks for supper, the more I thought about one of the biggest reasons people gravitate towards one side of the family is the way they were raised. Here are some key influences:
1. Urban vs. Rural Upbringing
Families who migrate to cities often develop different lifestyles compared to those who stay in suburban or rural areas. This affects everything from language preferences to social behaviors.
For example, if one parent moves to the city for work, their children might grow up speaking a dominant language like English, while their rural relatives continue speaking a regional dialect or another language entirely. Over time, this language barrier makes communication difficult and discourages interaction.
👉 More Examples:
• In China, families in urban centers like Shanghai or Beijing may primarily use Mandarin, while relatives in rural villages speak a different dialect such as Cantonese or Hokkien. The language gap often makes city-born children feel disconnected from their countryside cousins.
• In the U.S., immigrants who settle in urban areas may raise their children in an English-speaking environment, while their extended family in their home country or rural areas continues to use their native tongue.
2. The Influence of Parental Relationships
Often, the side of the family that a child is closest to depends on how much effort their parents put into maintaining relationships. If a mother frequently visits her parents and siblings, her children naturally become more comfortable with that side of the family. If a father does not actively bring his children around his side, the bond with his relatives weakens. I could remember spending each year-end break at my mom's father's place while the memory of me being with my dad's dad doesn't come to mind as vividly. I do go to his place, but never talked much due to linguistic and cultural barriers.
👉 Example:
• In many Asian cultures, children tend to be closer to their maternal grandparents (like myself) because the mother plays a significant role in maintaining family ties. In contrast, paternal relatives may become distant if the father does not actively nurture those relationships.
3. Education and Cultural Exposure
Education also plays a huge role in shaping how family members relate to each other. Children who receive education in different languages or cultural settings might struggle to connect with relatives who have had different life experiences. Like myself, I was born and raised in the city where I'm from and then moved to the US alone where I further developed my personality around the people I was with and the approach of education I was recieving.
👉 More Examples:
• A Chinese family that migrates to the U.S. and raises their children in an English-speaking environment will likely find that their kids struggle to communicate with Chinese-educated relatives in their home country.
• In India, those raised in English-medium schools may have a different worldview and mannerisms compared to cousins who were educated in a regional-language school, leading to cultural gaps.
How to Bridge the Communication Gap Between Distant Relatives
The good news is that these barriers don’t have to be permanent. As of late, I have began to rekindle connections with some of my cousins whom I have not spoken to in over 20 years, in some cases. I mean, it didn't have to take that long but it did. Rather than wondering why, let me tell you here are some ways to foster stronger bonds between distant relatives, even if you come from different backgrounds or experiences:
1. Make an Active Effort to Communicate
It all starts with you, frankly speaking. The more you tell yourself you won't be able to communicate with them or do as much as just meet up, nothing will ever happen. You have to put your mind to it. Start by talking to one another or be subtly involved in their lives through social media. Then, progress.
I know how my cousins on my dad's side of the family are and the more they spend time in the city, the more I am able to communicate with them. But, what about the ones who are still in the suburb where my dad is from? Do I completely ignore them? Nope! I started by following them on social media and then progressing to congratulating them on meaningful events and wishing them a happy birthday or anniversary (most of my cousins are much older than me and, I'm already pushing 30 (yikes!).
• If language is the barrier, use translation apps or learn key phrases to show effort (only if you really have to or that'll draw a wild divide).
• Encourage bilingual or multilingual learning among children to help them connect with both sides of the family.
• Initiate conversations during family gatherings rather than waiting for someone else to do so.
2. Celebrate Traditions Together
Here's the funny thing though I'm suggesting this, I'm not very traditional adn because I grew up in the city when crime rates started to pick up somewhere in the middle of my elementary school journey, I never really got to enjoy what many of my suburban cousins got to, like going out late at night for a bike ride or hainging out with friends while moving around different parts of town. But, there are of course many more things I attempted to try and you can too:
• Participate in cultural traditions or celebrations from both sides of the family.
• Even if you live far away, join virtual family reunions via video calls or social media to stay engaged.
3. Travel and Visit When Possible
I'm sure many of y'all reading this can drive and those who are living abroad have the means to fly back but would rather spend it on the new painting that caught your attention near Grand Central Station. Well, spend some of that on your family. After all, some random artist doesn't care about you, not even Taylor Swift! Only your family really ever do.
• If you’ve been raised in the city, take the time to visit relatives in suburban or rural areas to understand their lifestyle and vice versa. Just do it.
• Traveling together as an extended family can strengthen relationships by creating shared experiences.
4. Share Common Interests
As kids, common interests will start to differ once we all learn to speak. It's no longer about who's making funny faces but more on real things that matter (to kids). I soon found myself interested in Barney and Friends and they were groovig along with some chinese cartoon I'm not familliar with. That will go on for a very long time until one day we came back togeher again through memes and our careers. But, you could also:
• Finding a shared activity, such as cooking traditional dishes together, watching movies, or playing games, can create bonding moments even without extensive conversations.
• Encourage younger generations to engage with older family members through hobbies like storytelling or music.
5. Parents Should Encourage Both-Sided Family Connections
• Parents should make an effort to expose their children to both sides of the family equally.
• If one parent dominates the family interactions, the other should actively introduce their side to ensure balanced relationships.
In Conclusion...
Feeling closer to one side of the family is a common experience worldwide. Differences in upbringing, language, and environment all contribute to this divide. However, by making small but meaningful efforts, families can bridge the gap and create a sense of unity. I'm still working on mine so please pray for me as I will pray for you.
The key is intention—communication and connection don’t happen automatically. If we actively try to engage, understand, and respect each other’s differences, we can create lasting bonds that go beyond upbringing and location.
So this Lunar New Year, or during any family gathering, take the first step. Reach out, start a conversation, and build the connections that may have been lost over time. After all, family is family—no matter the distance, language, or background. ❤️
P.S. If any of my cousins happen to read this, it's just what I've been thinking and you all know me how I am a little strange but it's true isn't it? Cheers mates and Gong Xi Fa Cai! Can't wait to meet up with y'all again.
This post is contributed by Sean.